I will do odd things in public around strangers or my best friends - wear costumes, walk funny, start singing a random song - because I know my friends won't care and strangers don't matter because I'll never see them again.
When it comes to people I don't know as well, though, I'm totally different; I have this unshakeable unconscious thought that people will find me annoying or unlikeable even in my everyday mannerisms, so I'm always hyper-paranoid about what I say or do. Not that I necessarily change my normal behavior, but I'm always watching people to see how or if they react.
I'm not sure why I do this. Theoretically, I should be as weird as I want, and assume that if they can't handle my oddball self, they shouldn't be my friends anyway. But it's hard to convince myself of that.
On the same note, I've come to the conclusion that a lot of the dynamic of the relationship between me and my sister revolves around embarrassment. She's embarrassed (I know this even though she almost never says anything) at my lack of inhibition in public (see above), and I would be embarrassed to have a lot of the music she listens to in my collection, or the books/movies she reads on my shelf. She sees this as a morally superior position on her part, because in her world, listening to any and all music, regardless of its quality, makes her more openminded in general. I, in turn, think I am the superior one because I have more discerning tastes. (That's not to say I don't have some guilty pleasures in all arenas, because I totally do.)
Also, I think we both think the other person is trying to prove something. I think she's trying to prove something by acting like the stereotypical teenybopper college freshman, at least in some areas, and she probably thinks I'm trying to prove something by acting wacky and dyeing my hair and being a political loudmouth.
Where is this post going?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I don't even know.
Hi, guys, I'm back. I gotta stop taking these month-long hiatuses (hiati?). I just haven't been too inspired lately.
Last night I went to a rugby party. I don't actually play rugby - I don't even want to, considering I can't stick a tackle - but my friend Vanessa told me she would hunt me down like a bandersnatch if I didn't at least come to the women's team callout meeting, so I did so I could meet some new people and break up the monotony of my life a little bit. Anyway, the meeting was short and then one of the officers had everyone over for what I soon learned was a traditional rugby party.
Everyone on the team has a nickname, or at least most people do. I met Curtis, Pops, and Cake, among other people. A drunk girl named Duckie promptly dubbed me "Broccoli", since my turquoise hair has faded to pale green, and it stuck, at least for the night.
I don't know why it's such a big fucking deal for me to feel comfortable in a group setting, but I did, even though I didn't know most of these people and I wasn't even drinking. I think they were impressed with my ability to endure ass-slaps unfazed, and possibly my willingness to dance alone in an awkward manner. (Not sure on that last one, but I can hope.) So now my problem is, I want to hang out with this group again, but I still don't want to play rugby. First of all, I'm not at all athletic. Second, I don't like pain. And third, practice is four times a week and I just do not have that kind of time. (Also, it's a lot of money to invest in something I might not follow through on.)
Why am I such a social freak? Why do I have to congratulate myself for successfully socializing with people? Why do I have this unconscious opinion that it's better for people to have no opinion of me at all than to give them the chance to think something bad about me?
Last night I went to a rugby party. I don't actually play rugby - I don't even want to, considering I can't stick a tackle - but my friend Vanessa told me she would hunt me down like a bandersnatch if I didn't at least come to the women's team callout meeting, so I did so I could meet some new people and break up the monotony of my life a little bit. Anyway, the meeting was short and then one of the officers had everyone over for what I soon learned was a traditional rugby party.
Everyone on the team has a nickname, or at least most people do. I met Curtis, Pops, and Cake, among other people. A drunk girl named Duckie promptly dubbed me "Broccoli", since my turquoise hair has faded to pale green, and it stuck, at least for the night.
I don't know why it's such a big fucking deal for me to feel comfortable in a group setting, but I did, even though I didn't know most of these people and I wasn't even drinking. I think they were impressed with my ability to endure ass-slaps unfazed, and possibly my willingness to dance alone in an awkward manner. (Not sure on that last one, but I can hope.) So now my problem is, I want to hang out with this group again, but I still don't want to play rugby. First of all, I'm not at all athletic. Second, I don't like pain. And third, practice is four times a week and I just do not have that kind of time. (Also, it's a lot of money to invest in something I might not follow through on.)
Why am I such a social freak? Why do I have to congratulate myself for successfully socializing with people? Why do I have this unconscious opinion that it's better for people to have no opinion of me at all than to give them the chance to think something bad about me?
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