I'm such a fucking hipster today

with my skinny jeans and Converse high-tops and owl socks and denim soldier jacket and fingerless gloves and artificial ginger hair.

Seriously though, I don't get the whole hipster thing. I actually like the movement quite a lot, since I like many of the things that hipsters like, such as vintage fashion and owls and the sexiness of nerds, and the hipster movement means it's now easier to find those things. What I don't really get is the mentality; particularly the idea that if something is too popular, it's no longer cool. Personally, I like it if more people start listening to a band I like, since it means I can talk to people about the music and I'm more likely to hear it on the radio. (That's what happened with Owl City.)

Another thing, though, is that this whole mentality, kind of like the emo mentality before it, is inherently contradictory; if there are certain bands that all hipsters like, then technically, those bands are probably too "popular" for their standards. But they apparently choose to let that slide because the people who like the bands are the "right" people; THEIR people. (Also, with that rule, why the hell is Lady GaGa so popular among hipsters?) Same goes for fashion; both the emo subculture and the hipster subculture have this idea that their particular style makes them totally unique, when in reality, people within the subculture are all dressed in basically the same style.

What's wrong with just wearing or listening to something because you like it? Does it have to have the approval of your group - or, conversely, the disapproval of the rest of the world - before it's acceptable? And if you do like things that are really obscure, great; just don't act like you're superior to everyone else because of it. Get some variety; you might discover you actually like listening to Daughtry. Or whatever.

This may have some merit.

I'm taking this class in the Honors college called "What do I want to do with my life?" Which is appropriate, because I really don't; I'm an English major with about ten million hobbies and interests and no idea which one of those things I'd want to turn into a career.

Anyway, one of our assignments yesterday was to do this activity called "potential lives", where we basically would write out in a web any career we'd ever considered doing, even if it didn't seem feasible, and then see if we could find themes between those. When I looked at mine, almost all of them involved 1) something creative, and 2) being my own boss. In fact, quite a lot of the things I might consider for the future involve running my own small business.

I guess I like the idea of working for myself because I hate the corporate mindset; corporate bullshit was the reason I started hating my last job, something I had previously loved, because the new policies were contradictory, basically saying that we were supposed to kiss customers' asses, let them return anything, etc., but also harass them with suggestive selling. I like privately owned businesses because if customers are being assholes or trying to scam you, you don't have to suck up to them; you can tell them to leave or be an asshole right back. There's no corporate, so you can make your own rules as to how you handle things, and probably your non-asshole customers will be happier as a result.

It might be worth thinking about, anyway.

I know I can't be the only one who does this.

After confirming with Lauren that no, I am not the only one who rehearses the way I'm going to describe major events to people, I'm beginning to wonder if there is also someone else out there who frequently narrates their life in their head.

I don't do this all the time; just when something fun or out of the ordinary is happening, or I think of a particularly fun descriptor. After this weekend, I have the insane urge to write out the entire experience, probably starting with the drive down to Cape and stopping for gas at a seedy joint in southern Illinois (which is really a story all on its own). Partly it's because this weekend was crazy and fun and exhausting and combinations of the three, but also partly because going home is always emotional and I kind of want a chance to lay that all out for future perusal.

I will probably post it here if that happens, but not all in one go.

I've been having more weird dreams lately.

The night before last, I dreamed that the dude proposed with this really neat ring (which, by the way, I wish I could find a facsimile of on Etsy or wherever, because it was SO AWESOME) outside of a cafe that doesn't exist anymore. Except in the dream I wanted to hide the ring from everyone because I thought they would judge me for rushing the relationship.

(Just to be clear, I don't actually want to get married. Not right now, anyway. But it was still an awesome ring. Kind of like this, only it had this tiny little red stone. And it wasn't made out of a fork.)

And then last night, I had this dream that I solved a bunch of problems with people; I apologized to my brother and sister-in-law for being such a jerk the last time I visited, and I ended up yelling for a long time at this dude who used to be a friend of mine before he got an online girlfriend and cut every other female out of his life.

I guess these dreams aren't that weird; just more vivid than usual.

Edit: Actually, this is closer in my head to what that ring actually looked like. But I'm keeping the other example up because I think that's cool, too.

I am wondering now

if I have been misplacing the blame for my social anxieties all this time.

It's no secret that I've still got some severe baggage from my last relationship, and for good reason; part of my mind is still convinced that I'll be walking down the street someday and he'll just randomly jump out at me. During that relationship, not only was I severely isolated from anything other than classes, but was also made to feel like some kind of idiot when I tried to strike up friendly conversations with people on, say, the bus. Now, for the past year, I've been fighting the overwhelming feeling that nobody really wants me around, that people invite me to things out of pity, and that my presence is just a burden on everyone else. I have to force myself to attend social gatherings, and even if I'm having a good time, there's still that nagging doubt.

When I explain this to people, I always amend it with, "I was never like this before he came along." But now I'm wondering if this is really true; to be fair, if there was an existing problem, he no doubt made it worse, but I've always kind of preferred doing my own thing than going to group gatherings, unless said gatherings involve the right group of people. True, I haven't always actually felt UNWELCOME in group situations (with the definite exception of cast parties, but that was always because there was this dramatic distinction between the cast and the crew, and as a lowly usher, I didn't feel like I really belonged there) but maybe uncomfortable?

Here's the scary part. I can't answer this for sure, because I CAN'T REMEMBER how I acted around strangers and new people before I dated Jason. (That's another thing; I find it hard to say or even type his name, although seeing it in other contexts isn't a problem. Go figure.) That relationship took up almost the entirety of the first half of my college career, so I never really had a chance to see how I would do on my own.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess maybe even though it's easier and more satisfying to blame my ex-boyfriend for all of my hang-ups, I might have to accept some of my own part in this, as well. Although I really don't think I used to be this uncomfortable around people. Back in high school I might have been kind of weird, but at least I didn't feel like people didn't want me around. (Well, except for a few people, but that was more their problem than mine.)

Webcomics are SERIOUS BUSINESS.

Okay, if any of you actually know me pretty well, you know I have this rather unhealthy habit of getting too involved in the lives of the webcomic characters I follow regularly. In fact, I frequently have to remind myself that these are not real people, that they are not friends I just happen to stalk through a one-way mirror.

With that being said, this latest story arc of Questionable Content is really hitting a nerve with me.

[SPOILERS ALERT although really you should just go and catch up with the storyline if you actually care about these characters.]

The one that just went up in the last hour or so is basically one long monologue from Marten about the fight he just had with Dora, ending with a pervy punchline by Sven. The thing is, everything Marten says about Dora's trust issues could very well have come from me during the last few months of my last relationship, if I had been able to articulate the problem.

In particular:

"Every one of our fights has been about her crazy insecurity. I'm just so tired of having to convince her that yes, I'm ACTUALLY HAPPY WITH HER and I wouldn't rather be dating...someone else."

That was entirely the situation I dealt with. I was fighting with this guy every other day because he was convinced I was cheating on him; he didn't want me to have any time alone or spend time with other friends (not that I really had any other friends by that point). I spent all of my time and energy defending myself against a constant attack that I had done nothing to deserve, and even though it was making my life utterly miserable, I somehow just put up with all of this until it came to the breaking point, when he tried to make me choose between him and my trip abroad.

I guess my point in all of this is I don't really know what to hope for in the Dora/Marten situation. On the one hand, seeing them break up would be like seeing my best friends heartbroken; on the other hand, I don't want Marten to have to put up with the same thing I did, and if it looks like Dora is never going to budge on her position it might be time for him to move on.

OH GOD WHAT AM I DOING THESE ARE FUCKING CARTOON CHARACTERS NOT REAL PEOPLE

I had an epiphany.

So this class I have that is about manifestos and bookbinding - obviously, our final project involves hand-binding our own books and filling them with our choice of manifesto. Ever since the topic was introduced, I have been racking my brain for something I could talk about, but couldn't decide; I have a lot of things that I feel strongly enough about to rant about for several pages. (Although admittedly, not all of them may be things that people would find interesting.)

Today, though, I had an awesome idea. It started today after Rai, my prof, gave a couple of examples of past students that had used the manifesto as an opportunity to inform people rather than persuading them, maybe to clear up misconceptions or stereotypes. So I got to thinking about this, and decided the best possible thing I could write about in that situation would both inform people about a (probably) unexpectedly common situation, and give me some major catharsis at the same time.

I am going to write my manifesto about abusive relationships, and how they are not usually as obvious as you might expect. And I'm going to use my own story to do so.

After I figured this out, I started brainstorming and in just a few minutes had come up with a long list of quotes and implications from my last relationship that could make up a cohesive graphic storyline. I've got ideas about how to set it up, what the drawings might look like, even what I'm going to call the thing.

It's going to be hard, admittedly. Some of the things I'm planning to put in there are things I never even mentioned to anyone because they were just too hard to say out loud or because it took me a long time to figure them out or admit them to myself.

But, I think this project could be the best thing I've done for myself in a long time.