I am wondering now

if I have been misplacing the blame for my social anxieties all this time.

It's no secret that I've still got some severe baggage from my last relationship, and for good reason; part of my mind is still convinced that I'll be walking down the street someday and he'll just randomly jump out at me. During that relationship, not only was I severely isolated from anything other than classes, but was also made to feel like some kind of idiot when I tried to strike up friendly conversations with people on, say, the bus. Now, for the past year, I've been fighting the overwhelming feeling that nobody really wants me around, that people invite me to things out of pity, and that my presence is just a burden on everyone else. I have to force myself to attend social gatherings, and even if I'm having a good time, there's still that nagging doubt.

When I explain this to people, I always amend it with, "I was never like this before he came along." But now I'm wondering if this is really true; to be fair, if there was an existing problem, he no doubt made it worse, but I've always kind of preferred doing my own thing than going to group gatherings, unless said gatherings involve the right group of people. True, I haven't always actually felt UNWELCOME in group situations (with the definite exception of cast parties, but that was always because there was this dramatic distinction between the cast and the crew, and as a lowly usher, I didn't feel like I really belonged there) but maybe uncomfortable?

Here's the scary part. I can't answer this for sure, because I CAN'T REMEMBER how I acted around strangers and new people before I dated Jason. (That's another thing; I find it hard to say or even type his name, although seeing it in other contexts isn't a problem. Go figure.) That relationship took up almost the entirety of the first half of my college career, so I never really had a chance to see how I would do on my own.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess maybe even though it's easier and more satisfying to blame my ex-boyfriend for all of my hang-ups, I might have to accept some of my own part in this, as well. Although I really don't think I used to be this uncomfortable around people. Back in high school I might have been kind of weird, but at least I didn't feel like people didn't want me around. (Well, except for a few people, but that was more their problem than mine.)