I mean, I would think that would go without saying.
Anyway, here's the thing. I really should never try and have more than one blog at a time.
Originally, I had this blog along with my Tumblr because, since Tumblr is more of a microblogging platform, I felt weird writing long, drawn-out entries there. I felt like they would stand out too much. But as I follow more people, I realize that's actually not all that uncommon, so more and more I've been just writing whatever I want to there, since I'm already on the site and it's just easier.
So, although I'm not leaving Blogspot, I probably won't be around here too often. (Some long life this blog had. Egh.) If you're truly interested in what I have to say, which you might be, here's my Tumblr. I write things and talk about feminism and put up cute pictures of kittens.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
My oddities.
I will do odd things in public around strangers or my best friends - wear costumes, walk funny, start singing a random song - because I know my friends won't care and strangers don't matter because I'll never see them again.
When it comes to people I don't know as well, though, I'm totally different; I have this unshakeable unconscious thought that people will find me annoying or unlikeable even in my everyday mannerisms, so I'm always hyper-paranoid about what I say or do. Not that I necessarily change my normal behavior, but I'm always watching people to see how or if they react.
I'm not sure why I do this. Theoretically, I should be as weird as I want, and assume that if they can't handle my oddball self, they shouldn't be my friends anyway. But it's hard to convince myself of that.
On the same note, I've come to the conclusion that a lot of the dynamic of the relationship between me and my sister revolves around embarrassment. She's embarrassed (I know this even though she almost never says anything) at my lack of inhibition in public (see above), and I would be embarrassed to have a lot of the music she listens to in my collection, or the books/movies she reads on my shelf. She sees this as a morally superior position on her part, because in her world, listening to any and all music, regardless of its quality, makes her more openminded in general. I, in turn, think I am the superior one because I have more discerning tastes. (That's not to say I don't have some guilty pleasures in all arenas, because I totally do.)
Also, I think we both think the other person is trying to prove something. I think she's trying to prove something by acting like the stereotypical teenybopper college freshman, at least in some areas, and she probably thinks I'm trying to prove something by acting wacky and dyeing my hair and being a political loudmouth.
Where is this post going?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
When it comes to people I don't know as well, though, I'm totally different; I have this unshakeable unconscious thought that people will find me annoying or unlikeable even in my everyday mannerisms, so I'm always hyper-paranoid about what I say or do. Not that I necessarily change my normal behavior, but I'm always watching people to see how or if they react.
I'm not sure why I do this. Theoretically, I should be as weird as I want, and assume that if they can't handle my oddball self, they shouldn't be my friends anyway. But it's hard to convince myself of that.
On the same note, I've come to the conclusion that a lot of the dynamic of the relationship between me and my sister revolves around embarrassment. She's embarrassed (I know this even though she almost never says anything) at my lack of inhibition in public (see above), and I would be embarrassed to have a lot of the music she listens to in my collection, or the books/movies she reads on my shelf. She sees this as a morally superior position on her part, because in her world, listening to any and all music, regardless of its quality, makes her more openminded in general. I, in turn, think I am the superior one because I have more discerning tastes. (That's not to say I don't have some guilty pleasures in all arenas, because I totally do.)
Also, I think we both think the other person is trying to prove something. I think she's trying to prove something by acting like the stereotypical teenybopper college freshman, at least in some areas, and she probably thinks I'm trying to prove something by acting wacky and dyeing my hair and being a political loudmouth.
Where is this post going?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I don't even know.
Hi, guys, I'm back. I gotta stop taking these month-long hiatuses (hiati?). I just haven't been too inspired lately.
Last night I went to a rugby party. I don't actually play rugby - I don't even want to, considering I can't stick a tackle - but my friend Vanessa told me she would hunt me down like a bandersnatch if I didn't at least come to the women's team callout meeting, so I did so I could meet some new people and break up the monotony of my life a little bit. Anyway, the meeting was short and then one of the officers had everyone over for what I soon learned was a traditional rugby party.
Everyone on the team has a nickname, or at least most people do. I met Curtis, Pops, and Cake, among other people. A drunk girl named Duckie promptly dubbed me "Broccoli", since my turquoise hair has faded to pale green, and it stuck, at least for the night.
I don't know why it's such a big fucking deal for me to feel comfortable in a group setting, but I did, even though I didn't know most of these people and I wasn't even drinking. I think they were impressed with my ability to endure ass-slaps unfazed, and possibly my willingness to dance alone in an awkward manner. (Not sure on that last one, but I can hope.) So now my problem is, I want to hang out with this group again, but I still don't want to play rugby. First of all, I'm not at all athletic. Second, I don't like pain. And third, practice is four times a week and I just do not have that kind of time. (Also, it's a lot of money to invest in something I might not follow through on.)
Why am I such a social freak? Why do I have to congratulate myself for successfully socializing with people? Why do I have this unconscious opinion that it's better for people to have no opinion of me at all than to give them the chance to think something bad about me?
Last night I went to a rugby party. I don't actually play rugby - I don't even want to, considering I can't stick a tackle - but my friend Vanessa told me she would hunt me down like a bandersnatch if I didn't at least come to the women's team callout meeting, so I did so I could meet some new people and break up the monotony of my life a little bit. Anyway, the meeting was short and then one of the officers had everyone over for what I soon learned was a traditional rugby party.
Everyone on the team has a nickname, or at least most people do. I met Curtis, Pops, and Cake, among other people. A drunk girl named Duckie promptly dubbed me "Broccoli", since my turquoise hair has faded to pale green, and it stuck, at least for the night.
I don't know why it's such a big fucking deal for me to feel comfortable in a group setting, but I did, even though I didn't know most of these people and I wasn't even drinking. I think they were impressed with my ability to endure ass-slaps unfazed, and possibly my willingness to dance alone in an awkward manner. (Not sure on that last one, but I can hope.) So now my problem is, I want to hang out with this group again, but I still don't want to play rugby. First of all, I'm not at all athletic. Second, I don't like pain. And third, practice is four times a week and I just do not have that kind of time. (Also, it's a lot of money to invest in something I might not follow through on.)
Why am I such a social freak? Why do I have to congratulate myself for successfully socializing with people? Why do I have this unconscious opinion that it's better for people to have no opinion of me at all than to give them the chance to think something bad about me?
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Compliments.
So, there's an old thread on Shakesville (which I've been eagerly sifting through ever since I discovered it) that is now close, in which people are supposed to reveal the best compliment they'd ever received. I have many, all rather strange. Bear in mind this is not me bragging; rather, looking through the things people have said that really made me feel good or meant a lot, so I can store them away for bad days.
Most recent, probably, was my friend Sarah telling me I was brave. That might not seem like much, but this was at the beginning of last fall when I was just facing having to deal with never living in my old house again, not knowing a damn thing about what the future held for me, and generally feeling marooned and alone in the worst sense of those words. Her telling me that was something I'd never considered before, because I sure as hell didn't feel brave, but it really meant a lot to me.
Then, last spring, we were all saying goodbye to our main professor from London, Lyndon, and when he came to me he said "I'm going to miss working with you. Somehow, you manage to turn a simple question into an interrogation." It was a rather weird compliment, only obvious as what it was from the context, but I liked the idea that I had that capacity.
Once in the fairly recent past, I got in touch with one of my favorite teachers from elementary school, and when I went to visit her at school she told me privately that I was her favorite student. Ever.
Also, back in the beginning of college when I got into my first German class here at school, I spoke with the professor (who was actually native German) and she asked me how long I had lived in Germany. The truth was, I never had, but apparently my accent was good enough that she thought I had.
I used to work at a fabric store and had a fun exchange with a couple of women over the summer; they didn't know much about a project they wanted to do and I bounced around some ideas with them, helped them find materials, etc. They were in a very good humor, laughing, the whole works. When I was cutting material for them, one of them asked where my manager was, because she wanted to tell her I deserved a raise. That made my day, since it wasn't often people were that visibly appreciative of the employees at that particular store, and I like knowing that I really helped someone out.
When I was a freshman in high school, I went to my first formal dance in a dress that I really loved. The guy I was crushing on at the time - a senior, no less - was talking to my group of friends when I came to join them, and he looked up and just said "Wow", in a tone of obvious admiration. No idea whether he was actually impressed or just pretending to be, and nothing ever worked out with him, but at the time it made my entire night.
Two things I always enjoy: 1) Getting rave reviews from a professor on an assignment I didn't expect to do so well one (which has happened twice in the past year), and 2) when small children like my oddly colored hair. It's also nice when I'm wearing a costume from a specific fandom and members of the public recognize it.
EDIT: Thought of one more. Once my friend Paige put up pictures after a speech & debate tournament and one of them was me in a sort of weird but very colorful outfit. Paige captioned the picture "She's such a work of art. :)" But then again, this is why we all love Paige because she just radiates happiness from her all the time, and is therefore amazing.
Most recent, probably, was my friend Sarah telling me I was brave. That might not seem like much, but this was at the beginning of last fall when I was just facing having to deal with never living in my old house again, not knowing a damn thing about what the future held for me, and generally feeling marooned and alone in the worst sense of those words. Her telling me that was something I'd never considered before, because I sure as hell didn't feel brave, but it really meant a lot to me.
Then, last spring, we were all saying goodbye to our main professor from London, Lyndon, and when he came to me he said "I'm going to miss working with you. Somehow, you manage to turn a simple question into an interrogation." It was a rather weird compliment, only obvious as what it was from the context, but I liked the idea that I had that capacity.
Once in the fairly recent past, I got in touch with one of my favorite teachers from elementary school, and when I went to visit her at school she told me privately that I was her favorite student. Ever.
Also, back in the beginning of college when I got into my first German class here at school, I spoke with the professor (who was actually native German) and she asked me how long I had lived in Germany. The truth was, I never had, but apparently my accent was good enough that she thought I had.
I used to work at a fabric store and had a fun exchange with a couple of women over the summer; they didn't know much about a project they wanted to do and I bounced around some ideas with them, helped them find materials, etc. They were in a very good humor, laughing, the whole works. When I was cutting material for them, one of them asked where my manager was, because she wanted to tell her I deserved a raise. That made my day, since it wasn't often people were that visibly appreciative of the employees at that particular store, and I like knowing that I really helped someone out.
When I was a freshman in high school, I went to my first formal dance in a dress that I really loved. The guy I was crushing on at the time - a senior, no less - was talking to my group of friends when I came to join them, and he looked up and just said "Wow", in a tone of obvious admiration. No idea whether he was actually impressed or just pretending to be, and nothing ever worked out with him, but at the time it made my entire night.
Two things I always enjoy: 1) Getting rave reviews from a professor on an assignment I didn't expect to do so well one (which has happened twice in the past year), and 2) when small children like my oddly colored hair. It's also nice when I'm wearing a costume from a specific fandom and members of the public recognize it.
EDIT: Thought of one more. Once my friend Paige put up pictures after a speech & debate tournament and one of them was me in a sort of weird but very colorful outfit. Paige captioned the picture "She's such a work of art. :)" But then again, this is why we all love Paige because she just radiates happiness from her all the time, and is therefore amazing.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Disney + politics?
There's this class that's offered in the Honors College here on a regular basis called "The Disney Mystique". I'm kind of sad that it slipped my mind to sign up for it for the spring semester, because I have some interesting ideas about Disney, the main one being that everyone out there seems to either worship the Disney company as a god or decry it as a menace to society. There doesn't seem to be that much middle ground there.
Of course, like all debates, both sides of the issue tend to see and hear what they want to see and hear in the movies, articles, etc. I'm an avid Tumblr blogger and I see at least two or three graphics a day that fall on either side of this issue. Personally, I think there can be middle ground here.
Let's start with the unavoidable: yes, the Disney corporation outsources much of its labor to overseas countries where workers are paid far too little for the amount of work they do; at least with their merchandise. This is definitely a problem and something the world should not be happy with. However, since I doubt people are going to start completely boycotting Disney anytime soon, I think a better way to address this issue is with awareness.
Another thing people tend to bring up often when they're arguing against Disney is their portrayal of minorities and women. This is somewhat of a problem, but not quite as large of one as people make it out to be. For one thing, many of the movies cited for racism (Peter Pan and the deleted scene from Fantasia, for example) are old movies; they were made during a time when those kinds of portrayals were commonplace. Same thing with many of the portrayals of women; the majority of the anti-feminist plots in Disney movies were pre-women's lib, when feminism wasn't even a concept.
Just as a discussion point, I'm going to look at a sampling of Disney movies from across the ages and look at how they approach women and (sometimes) minorities. (If there wasn't much treatment at all of either one, then I'm just going to skip it.)
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - Personally, I think Snow White is an annoying and atrocious movie, but again, it was made in 1937. Not gonna fault it for its horrible treatment of women because it made sense for the time period. It's still annoying.
Fantasia - The only real scene in this movie that involved women in any sort of substantial way was the Pastoral Symphony number. Sure, it showed the lady centaurs as superficial bimbos who only want men, but it also showed the male centaurs being nothing but huge horndogs, and the androgynous cupid-babies as being voyeurs. I'd say there's about equal sexism here. And yes, there is that one scene that they cut out of the film at some point where they have a black centaur happily polishing the white centaurs' hooves, but again, this was made in 1940. And they did cut that out eventually.
One thing that interests me about this movie is the fact that it has a couple of instances of nudity in it. "Night on Bald Mountain" is the most obvious example, with the bare-breasted harpies flying around on All Hallows Eve, but I'm pretty sure there's at least one topless scene with the lady centaurs as well. Obviously, you'd never be able to get away with this today, which begs the question of why they were able to get away with it then, in what we think of as a much more conservative age. Was it because this was before Disney was regarded as just a children's company?
Anyway. Moving on.
Cinderella - You know, this isn't a half bad movie for 1950. I mean, yeah, you've got the servant girl who runs into the arms of a prince, but really, if you think about it, it's not the prince who ultimately saves Cinderella. It's her fairy godmother.
Alice In Wonderland - I wonder if anyone has ever theorized that the different Wonderland creatures are supposed to represent minorities in any way? I bet there's an article about that somewhere. Anyway. Alice is a pretty decent heroine; plenty of curiosity and spunk. She does have that line about not wanting to read a book with no pictures, but she is a child, after all.
Peter Pan - Okay, this one's kind of a tough one. The most obvious thing to look at here is the portrayal of the "Indians", which is...painful. It's blatantly racist and is a popular example of Disney racism. But...well, once again, this was 1953. Not exactly an age of tolerance and enlightenment. I think we just have to acknowledge this one and move on. It's unfortunate, but you can't change the past. And it's not like the Fantasia scene that's just a few seconds long and can be cut out.
Lady and the Tramp - it's been a while since I watched this, so forgive me if I miss anything. We've got two things here - the relationship, which is more about class differences and the nuclear family than it is about gender, and the Siamese cats, who are portrayed as very stereotypically East Asian, with buck teeth and almond-shaped eyes. I think I'm just going to stop talking about time periods here, though; the point should be obvious until we start getting into the 70's, 80's and beyond into a time when the racism should theoretically be getting better.
Sleeping Beauty - I...don't remember much about this. I always thought it was a boring movie. Of course, I do remember thinking Aurora was stupid for going after that spinning wheel, but if it comes to that, why couldn't her parents have just told her "Hey, you know those three fairies who take care of you? Well, there's an evil one, too, and she's fixed it so that if you touch a spinning wheel on this specific day, you'll die. So just...stay away from them, k?"
Or maybe they did do that. I don't remember.
101 Dalmatians - The only real problem I see with this movie was the scene when Cruella tries to run a guy off the road and he says something like "Crazy woman driver." But...that's one thing. And it could just be that character's a jerk, I don't know. (By the way, I also happen to love the live-action version of this movie. The sequel, not so much.)
Mary Poppins - See, now there's a fun and powerful female protagonist. Although they did tone her no-nonsense attitude down considerably from what was in the books. Also, we have Mrs. Banks as part of the English suffragette movement.
The Jungle Book - I'm not sure what to say about this one. I feel like there's something to examine there, but I don't know what it is.
The Aristocats - We have the tom's tom Thomas O'Malley rescuing the females and children, and then we have the caricature Siamese cat again. (Seriously, what is it with Disney and using cats for Asian stereotypes?)
You know what, I got tired of writing. I might finish this up later, but I might not.
Just a note:
I think a large part of Disney's "race problem" is that a lot of the time they seem to refuse to acknowledge the fact that racism or race relations even exist. I remember being very surprised the first time I saw Princess and the Frog, because the movie was supposed to take place during the Depression and shortly thereafter, and was set in New Orleans, and yet they showed an obviously integrated trolley car. I feel like Disney could have used that movie as an opportunity to make a good point and they didn't. Buuuut, at the same time, I also feel like if they had made race relations a part of the plot, they would have been vilified for using that in a movie with the first African-American princess. (That's another question; why the hell did it take them until 2009 to do that? Disney is very whitewashed and that's a problem in and of itself.)
Of course, like all debates, both sides of the issue tend to see and hear what they want to see and hear in the movies, articles, etc. I'm an avid Tumblr blogger and I see at least two or three graphics a day that fall on either side of this issue. Personally, I think there can be middle ground here.
Let's start with the unavoidable: yes, the Disney corporation outsources much of its labor to overseas countries where workers are paid far too little for the amount of work they do; at least with their merchandise. This is definitely a problem and something the world should not be happy with. However, since I doubt people are going to start completely boycotting Disney anytime soon, I think a better way to address this issue is with awareness.
Another thing people tend to bring up often when they're arguing against Disney is their portrayal of minorities and women. This is somewhat of a problem, but not quite as large of one as people make it out to be. For one thing, many of the movies cited for racism (Peter Pan and the deleted scene from Fantasia, for example) are old movies; they were made during a time when those kinds of portrayals were commonplace. Same thing with many of the portrayals of women; the majority of the anti-feminist plots in Disney movies were pre-women's lib, when feminism wasn't even a concept.
Just as a discussion point, I'm going to look at a sampling of Disney movies from across the ages and look at how they approach women and (sometimes) minorities. (If there wasn't much treatment at all of either one, then I'm just going to skip it.)
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - Personally, I think Snow White is an annoying and atrocious movie, but again, it was made in 1937. Not gonna fault it for its horrible treatment of women because it made sense for the time period. It's still annoying.
Fantasia - The only real scene in this movie that involved women in any sort of substantial way was the Pastoral Symphony number. Sure, it showed the lady centaurs as superficial bimbos who only want men, but it also showed the male centaurs being nothing but huge horndogs, and the androgynous cupid-babies as being voyeurs. I'd say there's about equal sexism here. And yes, there is that one scene that they cut out of the film at some point where they have a black centaur happily polishing the white centaurs' hooves, but again, this was made in 1940. And they did cut that out eventually.
One thing that interests me about this movie is the fact that it has a couple of instances of nudity in it. "Night on Bald Mountain" is the most obvious example, with the bare-breasted harpies flying around on All Hallows Eve, but I'm pretty sure there's at least one topless scene with the lady centaurs as well. Obviously, you'd never be able to get away with this today, which begs the question of why they were able to get away with it then, in what we think of as a much more conservative age. Was it because this was before Disney was regarded as just a children's company?
Anyway. Moving on.
Cinderella - You know, this isn't a half bad movie for 1950. I mean, yeah, you've got the servant girl who runs into the arms of a prince, but really, if you think about it, it's not the prince who ultimately saves Cinderella. It's her fairy godmother.
Alice In Wonderland - I wonder if anyone has ever theorized that the different Wonderland creatures are supposed to represent minorities in any way? I bet there's an article about that somewhere. Anyway. Alice is a pretty decent heroine; plenty of curiosity and spunk. She does have that line about not wanting to read a book with no pictures, but she is a child, after all.
Peter Pan - Okay, this one's kind of a tough one. The most obvious thing to look at here is the portrayal of the "Indians", which is...painful. It's blatantly racist and is a popular example of Disney racism. But...well, once again, this was 1953. Not exactly an age of tolerance and enlightenment. I think we just have to acknowledge this one and move on. It's unfortunate, but you can't change the past. And it's not like the Fantasia scene that's just a few seconds long and can be cut out.
Lady and the Tramp - it's been a while since I watched this, so forgive me if I miss anything. We've got two things here - the relationship, which is more about class differences and the nuclear family than it is about gender, and the Siamese cats, who are portrayed as very stereotypically East Asian, with buck teeth and almond-shaped eyes. I think I'm just going to stop talking about time periods here, though; the point should be obvious until we start getting into the 70's, 80's and beyond into a time when the racism should theoretically be getting better.
Sleeping Beauty - I...don't remember much about this. I always thought it was a boring movie. Of course, I do remember thinking Aurora was stupid for going after that spinning wheel, but if it comes to that, why couldn't her parents have just told her "Hey, you know those three fairies who take care of you? Well, there's an evil one, too, and she's fixed it so that if you touch a spinning wheel on this specific day, you'll die. So just...stay away from them, k?"
Or maybe they did do that. I don't remember.
101 Dalmatians - The only real problem I see with this movie was the scene when Cruella tries to run a guy off the road and he says something like "Crazy woman driver." But...that's one thing. And it could just be that character's a jerk, I don't know. (By the way, I also happen to love the live-action version of this movie. The sequel, not so much.)
Mary Poppins - See, now there's a fun and powerful female protagonist. Although they did tone her no-nonsense attitude down considerably from what was in the books. Also, we have Mrs. Banks as part of the English suffragette movement.
The Jungle Book - I'm not sure what to say about this one. I feel like there's something to examine there, but I don't know what it is.
The Aristocats - We have the tom's tom Thomas O'Malley rescuing the females and children, and then we have the caricature Siamese cat again. (Seriously, what is it with Disney and using cats for Asian stereotypes?)
You know what, I got tired of writing. I might finish this up later, but I might not.
Just a note:
I think a large part of Disney's "race problem" is that a lot of the time they seem to refuse to acknowledge the fact that racism or race relations even exist. I remember being very surprised the first time I saw Princess and the Frog, because the movie was supposed to take place during the Depression and shortly thereafter, and was set in New Orleans, and yet they showed an obviously integrated trolley car. I feel like Disney could have used that movie as an opportunity to make a good point and they didn't. Buuuut, at the same time, I also feel like if they had made race relations a part of the plot, they would have been vilified for using that in a movie with the first African-American princess. (That's another question; why the hell did it take them until 2009 to do that? Disney is very whitewashed and that's a problem in and of itself.)
Friday, December 3, 2010
Tonight will be such a relief.
I've spent the past week in varying stages of discomfort, stress and other miseries.
It started with a hangover. I overindulged on Mike's Lemonade Saturday night - sending off Thanksgiving break in style, I suppose - and so was forced to drive back to Muncie on Sunday with a headache and an upset stomach. Luckily, it was only an hour or so drive, and I had Aviva to keep me company, so it could have been worse. The overall effect was that I barely ate anything all day because of the nausea, and what little I did eat for breakfast I lost shortly afterward, so by the time I felt 100% better in the evening, it felt like I hadn't eaten in days and I was craving every kind of food ever. The catch was, I was at work by the time that happened, so I couldn't eat until I got off at 8, after which I went to the store. Never a good idea when you're starving; I bought all kinds of food and somehow deluded myself into thinking I would eat it all at once. (I had leftovers, of course. But at least I got my food.)
Monday, the cold I caught from Dad over break came into full swing. I spent Monday night writing an extensive poem using as many words as possible from a list I found called "100 Most Beautiful Words in the English Language". I was quite pleased with it. Tuesday was worse, the first of several evenings in which I spent hours at a stretch trying to put together my manifesto, the capstone project for my major. After I spent five hours on the formatting and finally getting it right, but still having a substantial amount of work to do, Teresa severely annoyed me by coming home and complaining about the skit she had to write for Japanese. I have no sympathy, especially considering she had just come home from hanging out with classmates because she "didn't feel like" doing her assignment.
The cold complicated things; if I was up until 2 doing work and then crashed, you can bet it would be 3 or 4 before I was actually asleep, due to the distractions of not being able to breathe through my nose and having to sniff or blow my nose every minute or so. Hence, I've spent the majority of this week in a soup of exhaustion.
On Wednesday, it was my day to present my manifesto to the class, which was nerve-wracking; when I picked my abusive relationship as the basis for my manifesto, it somehow hadn't registered with me that I would have to do this, and as such I included a lot of personal information that I hadn't even told my family, my friends or my boyfriend. Luckily, it got a good response, and one guy actually thanked me for sharing my story.
That night and last night are a bit of a haze, to be honest. All I know is I spent six or seven hours at a stretch each nigh working on perfecting the actual books of my manifesto, four copies in all. Luckily, I finished them in time to turn them in today, and I'm quite proud of the results. (My professor pronounced them "groovy".)
This week, my sleep schedule has been totally fucked, my immune system has been overtaxed, and my eating has been haphazard, depending on when I had time to eat and whether I actually felt like doing so. (Yesterday, however I did take the time to throw together a lovely pasta with chicken livers, mushrooms, onions and artichokes, which was delicious.) A couple of times, I had even sunk to the point of hallucination - nothing major, but I was definitely seeing things move that shouldn't have been moving. Also, I've had this vague sense of disorientation and detachment all week.
Tonight, I am going treat myself to a luminaria walk at the local arts center, and maybe a nice dinner at an organic cafe downtown. Then I will go to bed EARLY, and I will probably end up sleeping for twelve hours or something, but that is okay. I look forward to this weekend with eager anticipation.
It started with a hangover. I overindulged on Mike's Lemonade Saturday night - sending off Thanksgiving break in style, I suppose - and so was forced to drive back to Muncie on Sunday with a headache and an upset stomach. Luckily, it was only an hour or so drive, and I had Aviva to keep me company, so it could have been worse. The overall effect was that I barely ate anything all day because of the nausea, and what little I did eat for breakfast I lost shortly afterward, so by the time I felt 100% better in the evening, it felt like I hadn't eaten in days and I was craving every kind of food ever. The catch was, I was at work by the time that happened, so I couldn't eat until I got off at 8, after which I went to the store. Never a good idea when you're starving; I bought all kinds of food and somehow deluded myself into thinking I would eat it all at once. (I had leftovers, of course. But at least I got my food.)
Monday, the cold I caught from Dad over break came into full swing. I spent Monday night writing an extensive poem using as many words as possible from a list I found called "100 Most Beautiful Words in the English Language". I was quite pleased with it. Tuesday was worse, the first of several evenings in which I spent hours at a stretch trying to put together my manifesto, the capstone project for my major. After I spent five hours on the formatting and finally getting it right, but still having a substantial amount of work to do, Teresa severely annoyed me by coming home and complaining about the skit she had to write for Japanese. I have no sympathy, especially considering she had just come home from hanging out with classmates because she "didn't feel like" doing her assignment.
The cold complicated things; if I was up until 2 doing work and then crashed, you can bet it would be 3 or 4 before I was actually asleep, due to the distractions of not being able to breathe through my nose and having to sniff or blow my nose every minute or so. Hence, I've spent the majority of this week in a soup of exhaustion.
On Wednesday, it was my day to present my manifesto to the class, which was nerve-wracking; when I picked my abusive relationship as the basis for my manifesto, it somehow hadn't registered with me that I would have to do this, and as such I included a lot of personal information that I hadn't even told my family, my friends or my boyfriend. Luckily, it got a good response, and one guy actually thanked me for sharing my story.
That night and last night are a bit of a haze, to be honest. All I know is I spent six or seven hours at a stretch each nigh working on perfecting the actual books of my manifesto, four copies in all. Luckily, I finished them in time to turn them in today, and I'm quite proud of the results. (My professor pronounced them "groovy".)
This week, my sleep schedule has been totally fucked, my immune system has been overtaxed, and my eating has been haphazard, depending on when I had time to eat and whether I actually felt like doing so. (Yesterday, however I did take the time to throw together a lovely pasta with chicken livers, mushrooms, onions and artichokes, which was delicious.) A couple of times, I had even sunk to the point of hallucination - nothing major, but I was definitely seeing things move that shouldn't have been moving. Also, I've had this vague sense of disorientation and detachment all week.
Tonight, I am going treat myself to a luminaria walk at the local arts center, and maybe a nice dinner at an organic cafe downtown. Then I will go to bed EARLY, and I will probably end up sleeping for twelve hours or something, but that is okay. I look forward to this weekend with eager anticipation.
This is old - I first put it up on Tumblr - but I feel like I need it here too.
Dear Junior High Choir Teacher Whose Name Sounds Unfortunate When Chanted,
Remember the days when your shows were free? I do; I was in one. You’d have people standing at the exits at the end of the show to collect donations and make a joke about “it’s free to get in, but you have to pay to get out.” Nobody minded that. The shows might have been in libraries and cafeterias on roughly constructed sets, but everyone involved clearly had thrown themselves into it, and the quality was pretty damn good for a junior high show.
After the schools did that shift and the junior high moved to the old high school, you had a stage, not to mention double the amount of people to draw from, since now 7th and 8th graders were in the same school. You did The Little Mermaid and Aladdin, which went with your long-standing theme, but then you decided to break out of your usual mold of doing stage adaptations of Disney movies, and instead you decided to put on Annie. Everyone was astounded in a good way; it was an amazing production, with actual choreography, talented performers, and the technical quality was understandably above and beyond anything you’d done before. The only catch is, you started charging admission to cover the cost of the new technical work. I think the admission price was like $5 at this point, the same as the high school charged for their productions, so nobody cared.
The next year, you went a step further and did Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Once again, people were impressed. The year after that, Beauty and the Beast, breaking your own hard-and-fast rule about not repeating a show until the people who’d been in it the first time had graduated. But it was different, you said, because this was the stage version, not the adapted-from-a-cartoon version. This show was good, but not nearly as impressive as the previous two years.
It had begun, and I’d been able to see it coming ever since you set yourself such high standards with Annie. You were starting to one-up yourself again and again, and sooner or later you would reach the point where you couldn’t do that; couldn’t go any higher than what you’d already done.
The next couple of shows made me think that I was wrong. Cinderella, the Rodgers & Hammerstein version, was okay. The Wizard of Oz was, well, cringeworthy. I could tell that you were starting to cut some corners; the backup tracks for the songs still had the words on them half of the time. Not to mention that you cast your daughter in the lead, which I’m sure got some jealous grumbles from her fellow students. But, I was okay with all of this, because it seemed like you had reined it in a little and kept your shows within the bounds of what a junior high production could reasonably attempt.
Then, last year, you did The Sound of Music. Not the worst thing you could possibly do, but the idea of listening to a 13-year-old girl whose voice wasn’t nearly mature trying to hit the high notes in “Climb Ev’ry Mountain” made my head hurt just thinking about it. Not to mention, how many guys do you get in junior high whose voices have broken enough to sing Captain von Trapp? It seemed like a bad idea, and for the first time I deliberately did not get a ticket. I ended up helping with makeup one night as a favor, and the little bit of the first act I heard from backstage confirmed that I’d made the right decision.
Then, today, I get the news that you are doing Cats this year. I could explain to you why this is a bad idea - namely, that I’ve done this show with a bunch of junior high schoolers before, albeit as one myself, and although it might be something to do purely for fun like we did, if you want to have any sort of a professional-looking show, it’s just not going to work. It involves heavy dancing, for which I doubt you have a choreographer who’s up to par. The singing is constant; there is no dialogue, and you will completely exhaust these kids’ voices. Also, have you thought about the teasing the boys will endure when you tell them they have to wear spandex body suits?
This decision confirms for me a suspicion I’ve had about you for a long time - that you now care more about the lucrative potential of a show than the actual quality of the performance, or, indeed, the well-being of your students. If you force kids to sing songs that are not in their range - which, by the way, I’ve seen you do not only in your productions but in your cute little fundraiser revue shows - their voices will be damaged, maybe permanently. Furthermore, you seem to either not realize or not care that as your ticket prices have gone up (last one I checked was $12) the actual value of the ticket has gone down. More effort has gone into the spectacle of the show than into the performance, leading to a disappointed audience.
People get frustrated with you, sir. The high school drama department is frustrated with you because you constantly upstage their shows, or try to. The audience is frustrated with you for the reason stated above; if you sell someone a ticket for $12, you’d damn well better have the entertainment worth that $12. And I personally am frustrated with you for personal reasons, because you are a hypocrite and a sellout.
You act like I was one of your favorite students, and if you introduce me to someone, you usually include some hyperbolic claim about my vocal abilities; once you said something about how I was one of the top 5 voices you’d ever seen in one of your students. That can’t be true, since I was never the lead or even a character part in one of your shows, and you never asked me to be in one of your fancy “Sing America Sing” shows. You don’t really believe what you say about me, or you’d rather cast people based on something else, so stop pretending that I impress you so much.
And yes, you are a sellout. Rough as they were, I can say definitively that I enjoyed your shows much more when they were being performed in libraries and cafeterias with 2-dimensional sets and costumes that were only barely recognizable as what they were supposed to be. Rough is what a junior high play is supposed to be; it’s part of its charm. When you tried to upgrade these shows to Broadway levels of excellence, you must have known you were going to crash, but instead of admitting defeat, you’re going to crash your program into the ground trying to prove something to yourself and to the world.
You disappoint me.
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